Link and Conker: Live and Reloaded
by Maniac SwordBreaker
Summary: A celebration in honor of Link backfires with bad luck. He meets strange characters along the way, including one foulmouthed Squirrel we all know and love.


**Link and Conker: Live & Reloaded--Three Bad Hair Days**

**Author's Note: I've written a bunch of chapters of this fic a couple of years ago. I'm attempting to re-write them all since the old version, although funny, has some pretty serious errors. This is a Majora's Mask adaptation fic. It takes place _during_ Majora's Mask and_ after_ Conker's Bad Fur Day. WARNING: CONKER SPOILERS FOR THOSE WHO HAVEN'T FINISHED THE GAME YET.**

**Disclaimer: 'The Legend of Zelda' belongs to Nintendo. 'Conker's Bad Fur Day' belongs to Rareware.**

**Chapter 1: Bad Luck, or Destiny? **

Thin cottons of clouds scattered throughout the midnight sky as the silver moon gleamed brightly, a circle-shaped layer of light materializing around it. The clouds seemed to be moving slowly, an amazing effect due to the Earth's rotation, and some of them were advancing on the naked moon, attempting to cover it completely. This could very well cost the moon its 'job', which was to radiate a land beneath it…a mystical land known as Termina.

The job-costing event started and ended slowly but surely; the clouds came, the moon got 'fired', the clouds went, and the moon got 'rehired'. Termina faced the dark-yet-not-condemning temporary consequences, but now it was back to what it used to be; a very well lit land.

It seemed like a typical quiet night for Clock town, Termina's Capital; crickets screeching, leaves rustling, winds howling, and so on and so forth. Yet not all things were what they seemed…

A loud racket emanated from the east coast of the town, specifically from _Latte_, the local bar. The once-turned-off house lights were now turned on; the once-closed windows were now open; and the once-slumbering house residents were now wide-awake, cursing non-stop. Indeed, this wasn't just a mere 'loud racket', since it spread throughout Termina only in a matter of seconds. This was one big party!

The bar/NNPA (Nintendo nighttime party area) was packed; Nintendo characters of various shapes, sizes, and species were everywhere. The Indigo-Gos, a famous Zoran band, were on the stage performing their hit song 'Ballad of the Windfish'. The crowd were either mingling with each other or drinking what this bar was famous for: _Château Romani,_ a homogenous mixture of milk, honey and alcohol. There was one plumber in particular, however, who seemed to be running all over the place.

"Damn it, where in the blue hell IS he!" The plumber cursed in his Italian-English accent. He was a clad in blue overalls and a red T-shirt, along with his trademark baseball cap and brown shoes. He kept looking around until he found who he was looking for.

"Malon! Malon!" He yelled as he approached a party of three females Malon included.

"What's wrong, Mario? You all right?" her sapphire-blue eyes had a hint of concern in them, as she diverted her attention from the women to the frantic mustached man. The beautiful redheaded ranch girl was the youngest of the group. She wore a sleeveless purple dress with a matching strap of silk hanging around her neck. Her golden Triforce necklace stood out like a sore thumb from all the other jewelry she wore, even her golden tiara didn't have a chance against it.

"Well, Malon, other than your friend...THE man of the hour...being half an hour late, I'm just peachy," he panted between the words he just spoke out. "Umm, no offence, Peach," he quickly added to the blue-eyed blonde princess.

"None taken honey," she answered with a gorgeous smile. Her golden hair, unlike Malon's, was shorter and curlier. She had put makeup to very good use by highlighting her sexy facial features - Her curved lips were red, her puffy cheeks were rosy, and her eyelids and eyeliners were baby blue. The amazing pink gown she wore featured turgid shoulders that extended to cover small portions of the sleeves, and a glimmering white diamond on the center of the chest area. In order to overlay the rest of her sleeves, the stylish princess wore leather gloves, creamy-white in hue, which reached her elbows. The only jewelry she had on was a pair of red, spherical earrings.

"Just relax, Mario; he'll be here soon. Linky-Winky would never miss this event for the world!" Malon said in a cheery, high-pitched voice. Peach soon followed in pursuit. "O'M'God! You have a nickname for him! How _c-e-ute!_ I should do the same for you, Mario," she giggled madly.

Mario's cheeks flushed horribly as he fiddled with his black, curly mustache. "Heh heh heh…uum Peach, I'm thirty-something…I'm a little too old for a nickname, don't-cha think?" He mumbled, thought twice about what he asked, and then continued, "On second thought, _don't_ answer that."

The other woman of the party remained quiet for a few moments, yet she had very puzzled looks on her feminine face. It had been obvious that sooner or later, she was going to blurt out something.

"_Linky-Winky_!"

"Yeah. You got a hearing problem or somethin'?" Malon sarcastically defended herself.

"No offence, Mal…But back in Rhode Island, you give a nickname to a guy, and badda-bing badda-boom; he's gonna be avoiding you for the rest of your life. And if he was your boyfriend, badda-boom badda-BANG; you'll find yourself dumped the next day," The third blonde of the group spoke in her Brooklyn-style accent. She was in her late twenties, probably the oldest of them all. Her style of clothes was very casual – jet-black jeans with a matching T-shirt and a pair of boots. A strand of her short, smooth silky hair hid one of her chocolate-brown eyes. With no traces of makeup or jewelry on her, she was considered as a tomboy, a very attractive tomboy.

"I agree with you, Alex," Mario declared all of a sudden. "The act of exchanging _pet names_ between friends and couples is a sign---no, a _symptom _of possessiveness and obsessiveness!"

"Ah yes, a very rare case of _hyperphiloandroestrema: _The condition of excessive feeling of love towards male by female," Alex stated jokingly.

"Thank you for all the help, Dr. Alexandria Roivas. I'll send you the bill soon; Malon's in no condition to even care about money right now," the Italian plumber followed-up, as he and the 'psychiatrist' started to laugh uncontrollably. All that Malon and Peach could do was glare at the plumber and the tomboy.

Suddenly, the wooden doors flung open, and out stepped a shadowy figure, his eyes and ears observing the now-silenced crowd. The anticipation of the Nintendo crowd grew bigger and bigger with each step he took towards the light. It was a matter of moments until the mystery figure was unveiled.

The bar lights shone on a handsome fifteen-year-old baby-faced blonde, standing tall right behind the entrance. He wore a green tunic with a matching cap and brown boots. Strapped on his back was his own custom-made Razor Blade; a Goron-crafted, two-edged, steel broad sword with a very narrow gap in the middle, as if it were two separate single-edged blades under one hilt. The pointy guard was heavily decorated with jewels of all kinds, ranging from topazes to lapis lazuli.

The crowd enchanted his name: "Link! Link! Link!" _Ah yes, how it feels great to be loved, _he thought while smiling. But that smile didn't last but a few moments; the frantic crowd gathered around the lad squeezing his small body to death. It was turning into a riot until a loud voice spoke out, halting the ruckus instantly:

"Hey, guys! Give Link some room here! We don't wanna choke him to death, not after three days at least!" The Italian-English accent echoed throughout the bar. Immediately the crowd obeyed, and they started backing up from the panting Link, who was grouching on one knee.

The owner of the voice stepped up from the crowd and helped Link up, whispering in the hero's ears: "Don't mind them. They're just excited about tomorrow that's all."

"It's all right, Luigi. If I could survive wearing twenty five masks for the next three days then I could take anything!" Link responded.

The mustached man smiled, as he instructed everybody to go back to his or her business until further instructions. He wore a green shirt with blue overalls, along with brown boots and a green baseball-like cap. He was none other than Luigi Mario!

"So, what did our man Miyamoto tell you in the meeting?" Luigi blurted out suddenly.

"Well, he told me that I should start in making Majora's Mask tomorrow, so I guess I better sleep early tonight."

"And miss this party, Link? No, I don't think so! Almost all the Nintendo mascots are here to meet you! And you're telling me that you're going to sleep early? Why, even Bowser showed up!"

Link gazed at the ground, thinking what to do. _It would break his spirit if I left_. He suddenly jerked his head up and nodded to the green-clad plumber.

"But I got to call Zelda and tell her that I won't be able to see her tonight," Link said.

"Great! The telephone is right next to the men's bathroom. I'm gonna go mingle while you call," Luigi said.

Link reached the telephone, which was short for 'Telepathy Phone'. It was a helmet that could, when worn, send ultrasonic waves to the mind of the person one thinks of, thus linking the two minds by telepathy. Zelda however, didn't need a telephone to reach minds, since she had telepathic powers of her own. Link put the helmet on and tried to reach her.

_"Hello. You have reached Zelda's mind, but it is pretty occupied at the moment. Please leave a message after the long beep. Thank you."_ The mind-recording message said.

Meanwhile, up in the high tower of Hyrule Castle where the royal chambers lay, Princess Zelda was resting on her bed, eyes closed, daydreaming of having hot sex with none other than Link. The beautiful blonde was wearing her favorite pink nightgown, showing off most of her slender body and smooth silky skin. A voice reverberated in her mind, trying to pull her back to reality.

_"Zelda, are you there? Please pick up, pick up, pick up!"_ Link's voice echoed in her head, but she still didn't break from her trance. Instead, he was greeted with a deep moan from the sexy vixen.

_"Now that did NOT sound like you bumped into something…you got another guy up there, you heartless bitch!_ _And after all I did for you saving Hyrule from Ganondork, how do you repay me? You sleep with-" _

Suddenly, another moan interrupted Link's 'bitching', which made him think twice of what he just said.

_"Nah, it can't be; you're too innocent, too naive, too in love me…so you must be daydreaming of us again, eh?"_ Much to Link's dismay, Zelda moaned yet again.

_"I wish I hadn't had sex with you yesterday; you're starting to get freakily obsessed with the whole thing!"_ Another moan.

_"Zelda…"_ Link said in a ghostly tone. _"This is my penis talking to you; I want to make love to you. Wake up Zelda! ZELDA!" _

She jerked up from her bed in a flash, her eyes were wide open and she was panting heavily. She looked around her room like a maniac, as if she was set on fire. Indeed, she felt very hot tonight.

"Where- Where?" She yelled. "Where are you, Link? Come out and let's do it now!"

Just then, she heard a loud continuous laughter echoing in her mind, and she recognized the voice immediately.

In the meantime, back to Link again, he was lying on the ground, laughing uncontrollably and wobbling like a fish out of water.

"You should have seen your face! In fact, I wish I could've seen your face!" the hero stuttered between the words, trying to contain his laughter.

_"Link! You'll pay for interrupting my dream and tricking me!"_ Zelda screamed.

Finally, when he realized how mad Zelda was from the tone of her voice, he came back to his senses.

"Sorry, but I couldn't stand it. I want you to stop thinking about me every second. It's like you're obsessed."

_"No, I'm not obsessed, and I'm not forgiving you!" _

"Come on, Zelda. That was for you own good. I want you to be free. I want you to think about other matters of your life. I'm doing this because I love you very much. Please forgive me Zel."

_"Alright, Link, I'll try not to be obsessed over you,"_ Zelda said, as she sobbed softly.

"Zelda, please don't cry. I'm very happy that you think about me, but we're still young and our relationship is still building up. I too think about you constantly."

Zelda stopped sobbing. _"Really?"_

"You bet! Anyway, I'm kind of in a hurry here, so I just want to tell you I won't be able to make it tonight. I got an important job to do."

_"Alright, but promise that you'll be here after you finish your job." _

"Ok. I'll see you later my fair maiden! Bye!" Link took off the helmet and sighed. "Women…"

Suddenly, a pink blob approached Link. "Hey, Link!" It yelled.

"Hey, Kirby! How are you?" Link said

"I'm fine. The boys want you over there at the bar."

"Alright, I'm practically there. Are you coming?"

"I'll catch up after I finish," Kirby said, bypassing Link to get to the bathroom.

"Be careful not to flush yourself!" Link said, as he made his way to the bar.

_**After several hours of drinking and partying… **_

"Twenty-five broken sinks in the bathroom, twenty-five broken sinks! Mario was fixing one, and after a while, there were twenty four broken sinks in the bathroom!"

"Twenty five masks pinned on the wall, twenty five masks pinned. I slashed one with my sword, oh my good lord, now they're twenty four masks pinned on the wall!"

Everyone singed and laughed, including Link, who looked very tired and drowsy. He knew he had too much, and now he had to leave.

"Guys, it's been fun but I don't feel so good. I got to go," Link said droopingly, but everyone was too drunk to pay attention to him, so he made his way out.

Unfortunately, he took the wrong way out, for he entered the men's restroom and found Kirby rolling on the wet floor, almost three times his normal size now. Link realized that Kirby was about to explode, so turned the doorknob to make his quick retreat, but it broke off the door thus locking him inside. All he was able to do was countdown to his doom.

"T minus ten seconds- nine, eight, two, one…"

The restroom's roof and walls shattered into pieces, and the floor flew many miles up in the sky. It glided like a plane, moving further and further away from the big town. Finally, it landed right smack into an uncharted area of a strange woods.

The floor landed in a flat horizontal position amazingly, with Link standing in the middle, covered in beer and puke, his hair standing upright and his eyes wide open as if he were electrocuted. Incredibly, one of the restroom's doors managed to 'survive' the explosion.

"I need to go to the bathroom and rest a little. Good night." Link said dumbly, as he opened the door and stepped off the restroom's floor. Then, he collapsed face first on the soft grass.

* * *

_"The grass is always greener on the other side…"_

_"You don't know what you really have, 'till it's gone…"_

He sat alone in his favorite alehouse the Cock and Plucker, wearing his baby blue sweater, which was the most recent birthday present from his parents. Ah, his parents - the sweater dug up memories buried in his mind. They used to give him extended lectures, pissing him off most of the time about alcohol and its drawbacks, and not to urinate in front of people. How he missed the old days…

It was a strange feeling; he hardly ever asked or thought about his parents. But he was really desperate now; _there wasn't anybody else alive to ask or think about. _The thought of that made him recall the events of yesterday; _his bad fur day_…

Possibly yesterday was the worst day of his life, or the worst day of anybody's life for that matter. One-by-one images of yesterday's incidents unfolded in his mind; losing his way home, battling zombies, fighting with a giant singing piece of shit, struggling with some teddy bears and cave men, helping some pee-brained shit-heads along the way, and now he was the new king of these shit-heads whether he liked it or not, having defeated their panther king. The crown on his head proved that he was their 'fearless leader'.

All he wanted was to find his way home, and spend his time with his girlfriend Berri, or should we say his _late girlfriend, _for the fabled panther king had assassinated her. That was the worst thing that could happen to a twenty-one-year-old female squirrel, and it was_ definitely_ the worst thing that had happened in his life, a life of a twenty-one-year-old male squirrel.

A single tear fell from his azure eyes on his red furry lap, as he tried to picture Berri in his mind; her silvery soft fur, her golden silk hair, her long sexy legs, and her cute ocean-blue eyes. Even though it wasn't really a deep, passionate relationship, he loved her dearly. But he didn't have the guts to tell her, afraid that she would reject him. Emotions and thoughts mixed and crashed in his mind as if it were a pinball game. He was lost in thought, until a loud thump slashed through the images of his mind…

"Why so glum, chum?" the bartender asked as he put a bottle of scotch on the wooden bar.

"I prefer not to talk about it," he answered coldly.

Seconds turned into minutes and minutes turned into hours, and he kept drinking and drinking nonstop, until he decided that he had had enough. He exited the alehouse, only to find that it was raining. Lightning bolts ripped the midnight sky, brightening it momentarily. Loud thunderclaps immediately followed, causing the intoxicated squirrel to jump up in surprise and vomit on the puddle-infested ground.

"Another bad night," he said as he walked on the mud roads like a lost child, wiping the vomit remains off his mouth using his sleeve. Drunk and drowsy, he started making his way back to his castle, hoping that he was taking the right path.


End file.
